You have probably read many articles about how to stop attracting narcissists and understanding why this is happening. The majority of those articles make me mad. Why? Because the advice provided usually doesn’t work. And as a person who was in an abusive relationship, I honestly felt broken, unfit for anything when I tried those things and it failed.
Does this mean people give the wrong advice?
No. It means that advice only scratches the surface and they do help if you have done some serious healing work.
What many of those articles fail to mention is that the reason you keep getting involved in abusive relationships (any kind of abuser, narcissist, sociopath, psychopath, borderline disorder and etc.) is because due to previous experiences, events or abusive parents, you created an abusive root pattern that lies in the subconscious mind.
The subconscious mind runs 95% of operations and the conscious mind only 5%. All the advice in most articles focuses on the conscious side… as far as the numbers go, it suggests that the battle will be lost by simply focusing on the conscious side. And if numbers don’t convince you, your practice will. No matter how hard you try to change on a conscious level, you still will have that fear: “what if I will miss something and will get hurt again?!”.
And to be honest, some of the advice is so generic that people don’t even realize they can’t recognize it. For example, “recognize red flags” – ok, what are those red flags to you? What is unacceptable for you? What does a “red flag” mean for you? You have to understand for yourself for this advice to mean anything in the first place.
Or “see other person’s values”…. Do you even know your own? I personally thought values were a fancy word when I started my healing journey. Did I know my values? Not a chance! So again, it starts with you, know your values, what is important for you and implement them in your life, then you can see what others’ values are.
If you don’t know your values, you won’t notice others.
I can keep going with this ‘expert advice’ and where they fail… They teach you to look for issues and that I find wrong mind programming, as it’s not beneficial.
The thing is… Some people might react due to some emotional pain, and it will look a lot like a narcissist or any other abuser and then you run as articles told you so…
But how long are you going to run? What about trusting yourself and knowing you will manage the situation well? Relationships are not a walk in the park, not all are abusive, some can be a little heated until clarification through communication.
Gosh Salvija… What do I do then?! How do I end this crazy cycle?!
Do work with the subconscious mind, for example, like hypnotherapy (there are different styles and variations of it). It is very important to understand where, how, and when you created this abusive pattern root cause and why. Only then proper healing and relief will start coming into your life. Handling trauma at a subconscious level is much more powerful than it gets credit for, plus much faster results (to be honest, who wants to keep working with the same issue for months?! Or years).
It is not easy or pleasant to deal with trauma, but with an amazing expert, this can go much faster and be handled as easy as possible (or… just give me a call!).
Many therapists focus on emotions, like shame, guilt, and resolving them, releasing the pain. It’s a very important part, but it needs to be handled after sorting out the abusive pattern root. It removes the main programming in the subconscious level for finding an abuser and being abused. In my opinion, this is the most important part in this type of healing journey.
The next step is to know yourself better. Depending on when abuse started and for how long, it will tell you how much of your identity you have left. The longer you have been abused, the more you lose your true identity. If you were a child – you don’t have one yet, as the abuser forms one for you.
Inner work is very important to know yourself – learning communication, handling chaos addiction, victim mentality (yep, that one too) and learning to love yourself, be compassionate with yourself, and get curious!
How will this relate to relationships?
The moment you know yourself well (not fully, not doing “the perfect” thing), you will know what you like, what you don’t like, what are your values – they will start building up, you will create boundaries, then you will know how you want to approach a relationship with another person because you will be approaching from “want” and not “need”. If anyone tries to be dishonest with you, you will instantly sense it and end things. You won’t need to “look” for it. After all… What you are looking for, you will find!
When we are wounded, we approach relationships from “need” and unfortunately miss all red flags…
I come from an abusive family and line of abusive relationships, but currently, I am in a loving marriage for 7 years. If I can find my partner and walk the journey trusting myself – you can do it too.
Now go on, take action towards your growth and attract that wonderful partner to enjoy life together!
If you would like to work with me 1:1, please reach out to me here: https://scoachingtherapy.com/#connect
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